Dear J.W. Griffiths:
Congratulations on winning the Nokia Shorts 2011 Competition for Splitscreen: A Love Story! We were blown away—blown a-way—by your inventive storytelling in which a guy and gal unite in London after we follow their separate journeys from Paris and New York on separate sides of the screen. As we say here in Hollywood: Wow! You really captured the emotional isolation and existential detachment of modern life and our shared striving for connection and understanding. Just . . . wow! Anyhoo, to use another saying we have in the biz, let's cut to the chase. (Clever, huh?) We'd like to give Splitscreen the full-length feature-film treatment! Instead of the $5,000 you got to work with in the contest, we'll budget our version around $60 million, depending of course on Jennifer Aniston's wig requirements and how much Kevin James crams down his piehole each day at the catering truck. Instead of shooting the flick entirely on a Nokia N8 phone, we'll get Nokia to pay us for putting their phones in every shot. You received $10,000 for winning the competition? We'll guarantee you 2 percent of all worldwide profits. So, you'll probably clear at least another grand after your agent and managers take their cuts. Better start Bel Air mansion shopping today ;-) Now, we understand you're an artist of integrity and vision, so you'll have full creative control. Though the whole splitscreen approach will have to go. It could confuse and frighten viewers accustomed to simplistic plots, boob jokes, explosions, and such. Plus, some of the product placements might not register as folks look from left to right. We've got too many ex-wives' plastic surgeons' personal trainers to support to let that happen!
Sincerely,
Development Department
Big Dumb Studio
P.S. In promotional materials, let's say you're related to D.W. Griffith, even though you're not, OK?